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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. As paid sex goes, a trip to the massage parlor sounds classier than hiring a hooker.

But that's like saying coprophagia sounds like a classier bathroom activity than taking a shower -- entirely accurate, until you learn what it really means.

Pop culture had convinced us that all masseuses are Jennifer Love Hewitts whose only worry is which male model to jack off before marrying.

But then we talked to "Amy," who worked in a parlor in Montreal, and she told us the sticky truth If you search for a video of a woman giving a man a massage, it's going to play out the same way 90 percent of the time: She slowly rubs down the client with oil, things steadily getting hotter until the pair are nothing but a tangle of naked, glistening limbs.

Well, the prevalence of this genre of porn is setting people up for a huge disappointment if they ever get a real-life massage, even if it is an erotic one.

If you have this kind of "massage" parlor in your neighborhood -- the kind where they massage the client's boner -- you might see real beds instead of the standard massage tables.

But more often than not, they have to keep up the illusion with the regulation equipment. It's hard enough with any customer, and it's extra tricky with the chunky ones.

Tetris , the long bar comes when you least expect it, and lands in the worst possible place. And that's if she manages to stay on the table at all.

One time, "the client was paying for a BJ but was very insistent on seeing my ass. It turns out that blowjobs also tend to give masseuses lockjaw when the table forces them into uncomfortable poses.

We tried to read up some more on this topic, but that led us to Cosmo and we had to flee, screaming. Cosmopolitan Something Cosmo is very, very good at making us do.

The aforementioned porn videos invariably focus on the sensual application of oil. That's because oil brings to mind the body's own fluids, and it shows off the actors' bodies, and it winds up as lube once the boning commences.

But though Amy's massage parlor had huge massage oil bottles in each room, the oil never found its onto customers' crotchular regions.

That's because oil dissolves condoms. And Amy would always use condoms, no matter what the client said.

So here's how the scenario really plays out: After a few minutes of totally dry massage, Amy would ignore the props and reach for her hidden purse, which held lube and condoms for the actual sex.

You can't legally advertise sex services in Canada. So Amy's parlor was in an office building, and it only advertised massage.

The signs didn't even use outlines of women or garish neon, and the inside didn't look particularly sexual.

Dimmers controlled the light, and Amy had to adjust them to set the mood. The music, as she puts it, was "a cheesy massage calm-soothing-water CD" -- a spa soundtrack, with nary a porn riff in earshot.

Still, most people who entered understood what the place was truly for. Most people. Here's the way it's supposed to work: The client pays a straight fee for a "massage" -- this money goes to the parlor, not the masseuse.

The client strips, showers, gets on the table and under a towel, and Amy gives him a preliminary rub-down not a real massage, since they aren't trained for that.

Then she asks what else he wants, he tells her explicitly, and it's understood he will give her a "tip" for said services, which she keeps.

The towel comes off, and she takes it from there. But the guy sometimes just doesn't respond. And it goes something like this:.

Amy: "Oh, have they been going a bit Any other parts that way? I can do anything you want, you know. We went through the massage and small talk, and I made no money from that.

No thanks, my penis doesn't ache. One time, a woman came in. This customer wasn't looking for a lesbian massage sorry, fellas , and if she had been, Amy's not sure what she would have done.

Instead, the client simply lay there with her towel on, picking up no weird vibes at all. It was just a woman that came in thinking, 'Oh my, this place is a steal!

But remember that Amy, despite her experience in rubbing people as foreplay, has no expertise at all in real massage.

The woman "likely had one of the most meh massages of her life. I hurt more now Have a fetish? Go see a dom. Too poor for a dom? Go see a masseuse!

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Thai body healing massage -coconut oil Massage Techniques Relaxing Muscle To Relieving Stress Back A massage won't Tranny fucks male sensual if it doesn't involve trust and emotional intimacy. Add me Virginia dating the weekly newsletter. As Amy describes it, "You could have sex -- you just couldn't tell them your prices Fitnessmaus talk about it on the phone. This can Desi online chat the difference between a good massage and a great one. You should know.

Have a fetish? Go see a dom. Too poor for a dom? Go see a masseuse! The second-class experience will embarrass you both, but for some customers, it's the best option.

For example, a shy client once asked Amy to tie him up, which is rather vanilla, as fetishes go. But he didn't have any rope.

Either he was too cheap or he plain had no idea where to buy any. So he produced a tiny pair of shoelaces, perhaps taken from a battered pair of his own sneakers.

Another guy, a repeat customer, was into golden showers, but Amy's bladder was never prepared. Oh God. It's like when you force yourself to cum after jerking off.

It hurts and just plain sucks. At least her stubborn urinary sphincter eased this part a bit. But even if Amy sometimes laughs at her own performances, clients go away satisfied.

Like the one guy -- 6'2", lbs. He wanted to stay clothed during the piggyback ride, and he wanted the rider clothed as well.

As a variation on this, he was up for the lady doing squats while he perched on top of her. But not her. Look, I needed to do it. Most people are all about the in and out, but the quirky ones are my favorite.

She couldn't resist. There are other, less strenuous ways to cater to client fantasies. For instance, clients always want women who are foreign or from far away, since that's what a masseuse is in their minds.

Asians are very popular, since an Asian masseuse is a familiar stereotype. Black girls are popular, too. Still, Amy made do.

She simply pretended to be "European. She'd be "Kim" the foreigner. I would be a naughty girl saving up for my education. Clients always want to hear a nice story about yourself so they can feel like they are doing a good deed.

This worked well enough for the most part. Then, one day, the guy walking into the reception area happened to be one of her old classmates, from back when she had been a schoolgirl.

Amy gamely pretended not to recognize him and dug out her European accent a "European accent" is foreign in a conveniently nonspecific way.

The guy got undressed, lay on the table, then apparently decided it was too awkward to go through with it. First he pretended to fall asleep, then got up and loudly claimed he had been robbed.

Finally he fessed up, leaving the room and muttering, "Sorry we were so horrible to you in high school. We described earlier the rather convoluted payment process clients have to go through.

There's a reason for that. In some places your Amsterdams, your Nevadas , prostitution is legal and regulated and taxed. In plenty of other places, it's flat-out banned.

Between those two, you've got places where you can legally have sex for money, but can't do much anything else associated with running the business.

The goal is to crack down on pimping and other forms of exploitation without hauling sex workers themselves to jail, and managing that gets messy.

In Britain , for example, you can accept money for sex, but you can't advertise your services, run a brothel, loiter on the streets, or "incite" prostitution.

In Canada One law bans being " found in a bawdy house " yes, the Canadian legal term is "bawdy house," which is appropriate, given that Canadian judges dress like Santa Claus.

Yet having sex for money in such a house is legal. Then there's the law banning " living off the avails " of prostitution. As Amy describes it, "You could have sex -- you just couldn't tell them your prices or talk about it on the phone.

Even more odd is that you're not allowed to use that money to pay your bills or rent. To skirt the law as much as they can, masseuses don't officially charge for sex at all.

The downside: Customers haggle and may refuse to pay afterward, since the payment is officially a voluntary tip. So Amy had a large, legal, tax-free income, which she wasn't officially allowed to spend on anything.

These nonsensical laws were struck down as unconstitutional a while back, but never fear; they became law again right after that.

Morality wins again! Clients can't loiter outside the parlor with their dicks out and trade experiences, but that's okay. They have the Internet. Hobbyists rate women's individual attributes, and even though sex work automatically makes your body into a commodity, it's not all that fun seeing yourself scored like this:.

Amy Conclusion: This guy wants to fuck Sammy Sosa. Still, props to the guy for his math skills. And consumers do, in general, have a right to information before purchasing a service.

Masseuses don't resent hobbyists for publicizing the quality of their handjobs. They resent hobbyists for outing other details, such as their real names and locations:.

Amy "I also got a few shots of her mom trying on underwear at Sears, if that helps. Dammit, random creeper. If she's gone, she probably isn't looking to be found.

And if she's using multiple names, she probably isn't looking to be identified. You should know. You're posting under an alias yourself. Amy "I'm standing up for the little guy, and there's no littler guy than my penis.

If the creepiness stayed on the Internet, it would be bearable. But when you're a masseuse, you get all of the pain of a brothel without the protection of a pimp.

Remember how parlors have no beds? Yeah, Amy would sleep on the table and be awoken for sex without warning. One time, three guys stormed in together at 5 a.

Amy, outside, could hear them getting aggressive, so she entered the room and intervened. She was thrown against the wall for her trouble, but she got them to leave in the end.

Some days later, one came back. Amy had set up camp for the night in the laundry room the towels may be jizz-soaked, but they're still fluffy , dammit , and the guy walked into it past the Employees Only sign.

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